Rare Bird

The Space After a Nightmare

There is no space in time quite as lonely as that after a nightmare.  The house has quieted back down, after being rudely awakened by screams and it is eerily peaceful.  

 

Eerily, I say, because it seems so unnatural that the world could continue on--that people could sleep, no less--after having their world so violently and shockingly torn apart.

 

But, they don't see the scenes replayed on the screens of their eyelids everytime they drift closed.  They don't hear the sickening thud that brought an ending to every good and perfect thing in their life.

 

There is no time when I pray quite as fervently--almost feverishly--as in these hours as I sit and watch my treasures sleeping, praying to a God I had all but convinced myself was done listening to me years ago, a God I now choose daily to put my hope in, to spare me from my (thankfully imagined) tragedy.

 

The morning comes, the sun comes up and hope dawns anew.  A new day, and I  hold those I love close and vow to treasure every.  single.  moment.  that I am given.

Nothing says "hope anew" like tiny dahlias from the garden in a little silver cream pitcher.  

(Today's post is something new I'm trying--I'm linking up with Heather at  The Extraordinary Ordinary for Just Write, an exercise in "free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments."  Still finding my blog-gy footing, so thanks for letting me "try it out" on you!)

 

The Cost of Playing it Close to the Vest

Today is a big day--literally.  I am bigger and more pregnant than I have ever been.  And yet, it is barely half of a "normal" pregnancy.

Beautiful comparison--Our sweet little guy at 26 weeks and his early bird sister at the same age and weight.

I have been intentionally vague and guarded with this pregnancy.  I hoard doctor's and specialist's advice and ultrasound photos and carry my information close to my heart.   I say things like "Our due date is in January, but my goal is Halloween.  Then, we'll go from there."   Honestly, I have been afraid to hope.  I kept saying, "Once we hit 26 or 28 weeks, I'll start getting excited."  Sigh...so here we are.

 

Being a high-risk pregnancy this time around has it's advantages (lots of cool technology and favorite sonographers who sneak you into the 3d room) and its disadvantages (you know EVERY potential thing that could be wrong with your baby.)

 

On top of our already huge risk of delivering early again, we knew very early that there could potentially be some "chromosomal abnormalities" with our son--some "soft markers" as they are called.  (The range of chromosomal abnormalities is vast--from the low end, like Down's Syndrome to the frightening high end of trisomy.)  The only way to know for sure would be an amnio, which for an already high-risk gal would pretty much guarantee an early delivery, even with a really talented team of doctors.  SO, we wait...and I carry it close to my heart.

 

But carrying a burden by yourself, not to "worry anyone else" is a lot of work.  It's exhausting and kills any joy.  It's a lot of pretending and  lot of fear and not very much fun.  Playing it close to the vest has its price.

 

SO, I have realized more than ever the importance of my "tribe."  You know--the friends and family that gather around you--in person and from far away-- to laugh and cry and bring you candy and tell you that modified bed rest isn't all that bad and to suck it up.  The ones who allow you to feel sorry for yourself--but only for a minute and then tell you to put your big girl panties on and fix yourself a sandwich, while they sneak your toddler a lollipop they know full well you wouldn't let her have.

 

The ones that pray for and cry with you, but will also be happy to bail you out if you do actually punch the pregnant gal at the doctor's office who complains about being "too pregnant."

 

They hope for you when you are too scared to do it and they love big.   They have enough faith to encourage you when you can't seem to find yours.  You can try to hide from your tribe, but they find you.  And I am so thankful for mine.  

 

I hope this little boy knows how many people love and believe in him--it may even rival the fan club his big sister has.

 

So while we wait and hope, we are doing lots of playing in the leaves, swinging and enjoying these last beautiful days of sunshine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I have taken great encouragement from this post on  "The Hard Won Babies" written by Casey Mullins who writes at Moosh in Indy.  As the mama of "hard won babies" I love it!

 

Also, if you want to still get in on helping my friend Casey Chappell's hard won babies make their way home, her giveaway is still open.  

Thanks for reading and journeying with us!

Big news from the Ross four--yep I said four!

Coming January 2012!

Two Years of Miracles--and a Farm Party!

Well, two years ago this day, I was sitting in a big pink chair next to the isolette that would be home to my daughter for months.  At four days, she couldn't be held, but I could open her isolette door and read and talk to her.  So, that I did.  As I told her how strong she was, and how miraculous and loved, I hoped she would hear and that her heart would take hold of those truths and make her stronger.

Well, between that (and two years working with a team of fantastic doctors, surgeons, physical therapists and developmental specialists) I am proud to say that our girl (yes "OUR" girl, my virtual village that has loved us through this) is RIGHT ON TARGET for her age--NOT her adjusted age, but her ACTUAL age.  Which is quite frankly, unbelievable. 

SO, since I am likely to have fairly little input in coming years where parties are concerned (given how opinionated Babybird is), I decided to go with a "Farm Party" for a small group of our friends and family.  I LOVE to follow blogs that feature parties, but seeing as how (1) I don't have a ton of money to drop on a party and (2) she is TWO for pete's sake and won't even remember it, here is our DIY take on it.

The tissue paper flowers are a really easy (and cheap) way to decorate and they look great indoors or outside (I've also used these for baby showers, because you can match almost any color you want.)  A great tutorial on how to make them can be found here.  The fabric pennant banners that you can see in the background I made too, using clearance fabric and some bias tape.  Now, I am NOT great with a sewing machine, so if I can do it, pretty much anyone can.  The tutorial I used for it, you can find here.  The only change I made is that I was in a hurry, so I didn't sew the edges, I just used pinking shears to half the workload.

 Now, the cupcakes I had a little help with...my mother-in-law found this idea so she baked and I helped decorate.  They are just regular old cupcakes with candy decorations.  

I tried to counter the huge sugar content by also having fruit kebabs, salsa, sandwiches and a 'veggie garden.' (I figured that would make other parents hate me less and the high sugar content would keep my family at bay from asking like they did last year, why Babybird wasn't allowed to eat a sugar-filled cupcake and "had" to have banana muffin instead.)

 

 

 

 We also just decorated with cut flowers from the garden, poked into Mason jars.

I made cute treat bags (which I mostly forgot to hand out) and found these Farm Lollipops, which again, I mostly forgot to hand out.  BUT...all in all it was a great time and Babybird and her friends and family had fun...that was what mattered.

SO, I figure I have another year or two before I decide this is all way too much work, order a pizza or two and let them just run around the yard and scream.  But for now, I will enjoy the ride.  

What are your favorite birthday memories?  What mattered and what didn't?  This "work in progress" mama promises to take it to heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Home--to Ride Out the Storm....

Well, we got sent home (HOORAY!) to wait and try to "ride out" the infection at home.  We were told to leave our hospital bags packed, in case she starts getting worse over the weekend, but the doctor said, "Wow...she is awfully fiesty, even when she's this sick, so I am thinking an I.V. is out of the question."  (That's my girl!)  So we are administering medicines at home, trying to con her into staying hydrated using popsicles, chocolate milk, juice and all manner of sugary goodness, and giving lots of "mama care."  

 
Lots of cuddling with KittyCat and keeping calm keeps us all breathing easier.

So, thank you all for your sweet wishes the past couple of days.  We have our fingers crossed for a hospital-free weekend.  

Just Breathe

So I had big plans for the blog this week.  There is a new layout in the works, and I had great intentions of writing posts to tell you about the new things happening.  I was going to highlight my beautiful friend, Leah, and her fantastic band who just released their first CD and will likely be touring in a town near you soon.  I was going to tell you about this great new feature I am proud to be a part of called "If We Were Neighbors", which will hopefully keep me blogging more regularly.  I was planning on regaling you with stories of mine and my child's grace and dexterity (Ok, OK...she fell on a book and has a stitch in her head and I broke part of my foot again) or making you jealous with all of the crafting I've done and the seeds that I've sown early for our garden (I have yet to even get the peat pots out of the storage building and my new Silhouette machine still has the bubble wrap around it.)  I was going to stun you with before and after pictures of new living room DIY redo (ok, so it's only half done) BUT  all of those things will have to wait until next week.  Because BabyBird is sick.

 

Her favorite activity is waiting for somone to come to the door. (And yes, I realize she has on her hat inside...what can I say--gas prices are high!)

She has a pretty serious respiratory infection.  The doctor sent us home to rest last night and we will go visit him again this morning to see if we get to ride this out at home (and keep doing what we are doing with humidifiers, tons of fluid and breathing treatments) OR if we get an ambulance ride to the Peds floor at the hospital.  She is absoulutely pitiful to watch breathe.  She wheezes, gasps for air and then when she gets it, she looks at you and smiles, like "See, I can totally do this!"  She is my brave, brave girl...but sometimes even the bravest need a little help.  

She is sounding a little better, after a night of resting, but time will tell. Our hospital bags are packed and we are prepared for the worst but hoping and praying for the best. So, thank you guys for the Facebook messages, calls and texts...as we know more, I will post.

 And remember today--just breathe.

Cookies & Milk--a post for David

When we were little, my brother and I would play this game called, “Cookies and Milk” where you stood at the head of the bed and fell backwards, while yelling “cooooookies and miiiiilk.” The supporting sibling would then catch your feet and bounce you back up so that you were upright again.  Over the years, once we moved to a new home and new rooms, we changed the words to see who could make the funniest combination while we fell:  “maaaarshmallows and toooooenails” or “piiiickles and coffeeeeee.”  You get the point.

Being close in age, we were still the supporting siblings for all manner of ridiculousness:  “No, Mom, I have NO idea how those house numbers got glued to the bedroom doors so it looks like a bed & breakfast” or “No, Mom, she was home right when she said she would be.  I heard her come in.” And my personal favorite, “No, we aren’t sure what happened—the car has had that weird smell for a while now.”

As we got older, it became harder and harder to figure out how to catch each other when we were falling.  We didn’t need our feet caught, but somehow we still needed that extra help finding our self upright again.  In our teens, it was the comfort of just knowing that there was always one person who had your back, no matter what—who would take your side, right or wrong.  In our twenties, it became harder to define what support meant, without nagging or being pushy.  People need room to find their own way. 

So, little brother, today, on the anniversary of your “homegoing” I honor my favorite memories of you…

• the home videos we made to Ray Stevens songs (may they always remain hidden)
• you and Dad pulling the stump out of the lake using rather unconventional methods that summer at Keowee
• "Whoa! Whoa!"
• the video you made to send to America's Funniest Home videos when you were 11
• the last summer we had together--working on the house together and of course, the "knees of stiffness"
• our last weekend and you bouncing that stupid bouncy ball all through the mall, with people looking at us like you were insane
• sitting on the doorframe in my house (where the porch would one day go) talking about what we wanted from life and where we wanted to be in a few years (I hope you found your peace)
• your beautiful smile
• your infectious laugh
• your sarcasm that I can only hope to aspire to

I love you, little brother.

Thank you, my virtual "village" for listening and helping me honor my brother today.  If you knew David and would like to share memories, please feel free.  If you weren't blessed to know him, feel free to share memories of your own siblings.  But wherever you are in life, please take time today to let those you love know how important they are to you.  Blessings to you from us!

 

How Facebook Changed my Mind

So I woke up blue today.  I moped through my morning "mom" chores and then sat down for a few minutes of computer time before the baby woke up.  Logging onto Facebook this morning, it seemed like all of my community was a contradiction.  People complaining about having to go to work after having weeks off for the holiday, while other statuses asked for thoughts and prayers for applications and interviews so they could get back work to support their families.  People complaining about being "too" pregnant, while other FB friends are posting about "Hope this IVF takes this time" or praying to get through another 2 weeks so that their babies have a fighting chance once they get here too little and too early.  

So in light of my resolution to be more gentle with myself and others, I know that I am as prone as anyone to whine or complain, but as I may never know what people are going through and my hope is that I will be more conscious of that.  

So, thank you Facebook for reminding me to be thankful.  So today, I will put on my big girl panties and rather than give into my blues, I will be thankful.

For my home, for though it may not be as put together and decorated as I would like, is warm and homey.

For my sweet family.

For a child who makes me laugh with her new made-up words.  (Not sure what the newest one represents but she uses it a LOT and it sounds suspiciously like "catpee.")

For a body that is moderately healthy, and is getting better every day, despite its attempts to give up on me last year. (I am rewarding it for hanging in there this week, by doing a juice cleanse with some girlfriends...day two--we'll see how this goes.)

Resources by which I may feed my family (we are putting up more butternut squash today, as it is one of Babybirds favorite) and a great store of goods from the garden to fall back on, on this snowy day.

 

For friends who love me and worry about me, when I "drop off their radar" as one so lovingly puts it.

I have much to be thankful for today...thank you Facebook for reminding me not to whine, and to celebrate what I have and where I am.

I hope you all have a wonderful day...what are you celebrating today?

Blogging, not Baking—my 2011 plan of attack

 You know it is time to update your blog when you get an email that a PUBLISHED WRITER whom you admire and respect leaves a comment on your blog and you think, “Oh man…I forgot I had that thing.”  Embarrassing? You betcha. (On that note, if you are not reading Vicki Lane, you are really missing out on a great Appalachian writer.  So if your resolution was to read more, go buy her books.  You won’t be sorry.)  So, as the rest of the world makes resolutions today on this landmark date 1-11-11 that just begs to be written, I resolve to endeavor to keep this updated. 

What started as a platform to keep people updated about Baby Bird’s health status will be my new outlet.  My coping method of choice last winter with a preemie baby on a heart monitor was to bake twice a week, which was undoubtedly delicious, however, I am not sure that my waistline can handle another winter of BakeFest, so my new plan for combatting the winter doldrums will be “Blogging, not Baking.”  (Please be patient with me, I am learning the ropes and not so great with code and pic format, etc. so the blog remains a work in progress.)

So, my plans for change this year are to

1. Be more gentle with myself and others.  (Look at that face, how could that NOT inspire grace?)
3. To take more pictures..and better pictures.
4. To usher my family (yes, even Papa Bird) into a lifestyle of more responsible eating.  This morning, as I was feeding Baby Bird her delicious breakfast of homemade Greek yogurt and organic blueberries and planning out what I vegetables that I preserved from our summer garden to fix for her dinner, I laughed until it hurt, because I was doing it as I also ate my breakfast—a diet soda and a hunk of cheese.  (And before you say, “Well, cheese CAN be a complete protein and it CAN be produced from great farms that use humane and sustainable practices, etc.”—I am pretty sure that the people at Velveeta don’t put that much love into their “cheese.”)  Oops.  There is a clear dichotomy in what I eat and what I feed my child.  In 2011, I want to eat as well as I feed her.  Currently, I fix two separate meals—something healthy and delicious for the baby and something that comes in a box for my SUPER picky husband and by the time I have picked off their plates (because it makes me nauseous to waste ANY tiny bit of anything) I am too tired and too full to actually sit down and eat anything.
5. To quit making excuses for not writing or exercising.  They are both things that make me a better version of myself and that I, for the most part, enjoy. 
6. To capture my grandmother’s story.  She is fascinating and beautiful with so much wisdom to share—whether I write it down or just make notes for my children to enjoy, I want to make use of our precious time together.

So from our family, we hope you had a great holiday and thanks for joining us on our journey into this next year.  I am learning, more and more, that community is worth so much, and I am glad to have you as part of my "village."

 What changes do you hope to make in 2011?  

 

 

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